Lovers and Friends.
How are you Feeling?
I try to write with Honesty- it is difficult. Some darkness has set over me these weeks past, almost everyday I have woke feeling Blues verging to bleak void of Grey. Trying to apply myself to anything productive just to distract a silent sense of hopelessness that Haunt's my interior chatter. Ebony tells me its a cycle of energies returning; and my gut tells me this is probably true. It has always been my nature to harbour melancholy and this weighty feeling is familiar, though the hopelessness is a feeling I (perhaps naively) thought I had shook off in my early twenties.
-If anything these lost years have at least taught certain practices, that when applied with discipline help to keep up above. and yet hear I am. Now I don't mean to write you this in some self pitying exhibitionism, another white mans moan does not contribute much, however as I feel the grey clouds parting in this sunday sun I write to try and understand it myself, to move on, and perhaps this has value to another.
At the end of March I came across Jem Bendell's paper on Deep Adaptation. I have long been following the conversation on the consequential catastrophe of Climate Change, and though I was a little late to this piece, its conclusions of near term societal collapse and how the real work now being not to try and prevent climate change (for this is action that should have taken some 30 years ago now) but how to best adapt to the realities of a collapse in civilisation's foundations.
Reading thru all of this gave shivers of profundity, initially a serge of wild abandon. Now more than ever the question to what you put your time and energy into in the here and now takes absolute precedence, what has worth, meaning, value, love... However, with a little time and reflection I began to look beyond my idealism and privilege and I began to be haunted by the horrors that collapse will bring... the loss of so many beautiful expressions of life on earth, Famine, War, and all of these a knocking at our door.
Ok. I have spent the past hour typing, and only got this far. at this point I feel overwhelmed. and still feel adrift with no real conclusions... I wanted to find some uplift, articulate some actualised purpose in contributing to a Regenerative Culture, but I cant find the words now, And maybe thats alright. Be honest to the flow of life- this mournful instrumental I wrote last weekprobably expresses the feeling better than any words I could type... I don't mean to infiltrate your personal space with some depressive gloom, of course all is not a forgone conclusion, the work of Extinction Rebellion and the Future Saint Greta is powerful, and the subsequentestablishment response has some space for optimism, but I can't help but feel all will be too little too late.
Alas, I have often found the greatest insights in life by sharing the truth of how I feel, especially the darker thoughts that so often we deny, bypassing for the more socially acceptable smile of numbness.
It is not my intention to dwell in some valley of despair and drag others down with me: I strive to create with the liberty & responsibility of Self-expression and in this moment, this is how I feel. As a diligent disciple of Sisyphus I will keep on at it, now more than ever there is much to be done